1 ♋ VIDEO

[dedicatheist]

[ Most people who know a Karkat Vantas will recognize this troll when he appears on the network, but he'll look pretty...different to most if not all of them. He's got a scar on one cheek, pierced ears, and his horns are a bit notched from what looks like blade slices. Also, he's wearing a completely pristine white coat. ]

All right, kids, listen up. First things first, I need a roll call here. I'm not holding out much hope but if any of you know any of these people then speak up - or especially if you are these people, don't think I won't kick your ass from here to the Gods-damned Ascension for being coy with me. I'm looking for Archagent Eridan Ampora, has these chewed-up fins on his face and a face like God took out all their favorite bits but left him pretty anyway, can't have an emotion that doesn't belong in a soap opera. Sollux Captor, probably behind a computer and failing to remember that food and sleep exist as we speak, if you've seen him and haven't been blinded by the world's tackiest gold cape that he just loves wearing at all times then you're lucky. Terezi Pyrope, blind and completely inappropriate at all times and with a wardrobe that induces more seizures than Sollux, probably pails herself to courtblock dramas every night. Gamzee Makara, the hugest doofiest clown cultist ever, unfairly good cook but don't ever eat his pies unless you like tripping out on sopor. If any of these names and descriptions are familiar to you, speak the fuck up, I haven't got time to search out every hidey-hole in this hopbeast warren of a city.

Secondly, I've already been imposed on by one giant lizard to go get him stuff, so why not, I'll be generous. My name's Karkat Vantas, I'm a Threshecutioner, my job is to keep the world oiled so hell, if you've got a problem then lay it on me. I don't trust any of these asswounds who had the great idea to kidnap people and make them fix their shit instead of fixing it themselves, but whatever, I have important things to do back home so I'm not going to sit on my glutes whining. If they want me to help I'll help with anything within reason, as long as it gets me home faster. Most of my work back home involved the undead, giant monsters and relationship drama, but I'll do whatever needs doing. Hit me up if you need anything, it's not like I can get a break back home so there's not much point to taking one here.

[ He might sound just a little bitter about that. After a moment, he sighs and shuts off the video. ]

Comments

[guiltapalooza]

Archagent Eridan Ampora? [Her eyes are wide, which on Willow makes her look slightly vulnerable.] Oh, you... you know mine, then. My Eridan. So you must be his Karkat, and-- I really need to start at the beginning, don't I?

Um, so, Eridan's here, and Feferi is too, but I don't think anyone else that you know is, exactly. Sometimes-- a lot of the time-- there's people from different dimensions here, like different incarnations of reality, that's what I was talking about earlier. I'm Willow Rosenberg, I've been here for a while and I... I know Eridan pretty well.

[dedicatheist]

[ Karkat stares at her keenly for a moment- then shrugs. ]

Well, I'm not in a position to fuss, so I'll trust Fins' judgement. I'll bite. How much do you know about what's going on?

[unfathomabubbly]

[ Feferi is peering up over the edge of her mirror, holding it upside down. None of this sounds good to her, and she's on the verge of growling openly. ]

You conch have him! No land-glubber is looking for no Eridan Ampora, not here. No, no, no! Not here at all, so you'd betta just carry yourself off.

[ Hey, at least she's behaving mostly. Eridan made her promise not to threaten the landdweller's lives where anyone could see. ]

[dedicatheist]

[ This being Feferi, Karkat just assumes she's having a little flip-out, maybe over him and Eridan getting together? His voice when he replies to her is softer, soothing, with that special besotted fondness he has for her as a friend. ]

Hey, hey. Easy on the glubs, Feferi, I'm not looking to take him from you. You know I wouldn't do that. Calm down, kid, it's okay. You're okay. How long have you been here?

[ Poor thing, living in a huge press of people after a life with no one but Eridan and Gamzee has to be hard on her. His blood pusher twinges in sympathy. He keeps his voice soft and encouraging, aiming to talk her down until she gets a bit clearer-headed. ]

permavideo;

[hypervigilance]

[Herp he doesn't know any of those people, so he's only half paying attention, when--]

... a giant lizard??

permavideo;

[dedicatheist]

I'm going to go out on a thin yet moderately sturdy branch of foliage here and guess you haven't met the charming natives.

Video

[betathanscott]

That's a pretty wide range of responsibilities you've got there.

Video

[dedicatheist]

No shit. Next you'll be telling me the sky is- hell, I can't see what color the sky is in a cave, that biting remark just fell apart.

[aboutwhynot]

I believe you mean Municipal Inspector Eridan Ampora. But I suppose that doesn't really matter in the long run. Same alien.

Out of curiosity what kind of relationship drama did you specialize in, exactly?

[dedicatheist]

All kinds. A Threshecutioner smooths over conflicts and solves problems. Keeps the social wheels going smoothly. It can be petty disputes or romantic problems, whatever. Just curious, or do you have something that needs sorting?

[dontbekoi]

[ Prepare for life to get just a little more confusing, Karkat. ]

Crab...cake...?

[ WHAT IN THE GLUB... ]

[dedicatheist]

There are two of you.

Not that you aren't great, Feferi, but why are there two of you?

[unfathomabubbly]

[ OH MY GLUB, THAT'S HER FACE.

Feferi doesn't say anything, she's too busy looking ridiculous. ]

[touchthefool]

There was a being known as Gamzee Makara here until a short time ago. Am I correct in assuming, then, that you are one of his friends?

[dedicatheist]

Something along those lines.

Aren't you in that hiveblock I was assigned to? I didn't get much of a look at you or the weird green guy before I tore out of there.

[video]

[garantundkraft]

::Prussia is... mildly confused, and he's finally going to express it. Because he's sure seen enough of these weird grey horned creatures around and on the network, and this one seems sufficiently wordy yet understandable to maybe get some answers out of. First things first, however. The important question.::

Okay, as someone with mild familiarity as to how governments work, I'll bite.

What the Hell does relationship drama have to do with undead, giant monsters?! That doesn't really sound like the sorta thing you'd need an overlapping skill set for.

::And if the answer is awesome enough for him, he may be asking for advice.::

[video]

[dedicatheist]

I don't know about you pink things, but for trolls relationship drama can get really violent really fast. Self-discipline's a virtue but not everyone can maintain that all the time, which is where I come in. A Threshecutioner's job is to make sure society runs smoothly and there aren't any really major disruptions to people's daily lives. Keeping the world oiled, that kind of thing.

The undead and the monsters are the same general idea. They're a disruption in society and they mess up the works, so kids in need can put out a call to us whitecoats to remove their problem.

[ Basically, picture someone made a whole branch of social enforcement modeled on the Sassy Gay Friend and gave them weapons. ]

video;

[whomheloved]

[Di is really just...staring, green eyes wide and surprised at first, then soft and wondering. Eridan - the other Eridan - had mentioned Signless' descendant, though she hadn't been sure if she believed him or not. Now, with the evidence in front of her, those familiar yet different features marked by a different life lived elsewhere, she can't help but think it has to be true.

...she should say something.]

Sollux is here, we were hivemates for a while.

video;

[dedicatheist]

Really.

[ He's already had one horrible shock today, he doesn't want another. Sorry, Di, he's just going to regard you with suspicion. ]

My Sollux? The one I described? Gold cape, annoyingly bossy, Master of Information?

audio;

[ironbound]

-=he just sits there and stares at the mirror, heart pounding heart enough he can hear it in his ears. with all these other world versions of people wandering around there was no way he could tell if this was truly the 'other' he'd dreamed of. his supposed descendant. does it even matter?

for once in his life he was at a loss for words=-


...

Rest if you need to. Take a break if you need to. No one here would judge you for it.

audio;

[dedicatheist]

[ Well, that's a bit of a rude shock. His first thought is that Pulse and Haze has come a-calling, only somehow looking a bit older this time, but no, he's not speaking quite right and Karkat knows there's a reason for God looking like his clone in his hallucinations, even if he doesn't like it and would like to forget all about it, please and thank you.

He rallies. ]

Your assumption is incorrect, asshat, because I would judge me for it! No rest for the virtuous and all that rah-rah go-team bullshit.

[ Keeping busy will keep his mind off feeling so terribly shit about everything, hopefully. ]

video;

[countseadipshit]

Archagent Eridan?

[Hey, Karkat, have a version of him without the scars, younger, and who looks like he fell into a plainer, purpler version of Sollux's wardrobifier. Also glasses. Can't forget them.]

[With curiosity, the surprise of seeing such a different Karkat, and the... ahem, last time he saw any Karkat, he's a bit too caught up to ask anything else just yet.]

video;

[dedicatheist]

Holy shit. You look like you've been taking fashion tips from Sollux. I never thought I'd say this, but your couture looks better on you, kid.

[ There's a bit of an awkward pause, because Karkat is looking over this Eridan, regarding every pristine inch of him. He's not carrying the marks of being mauled by every troll around the block, nor that same awful tiredness. He's still got that endearing pride and arrogance, though. Eridan if he were a prince. He's beautiful like this, even if he's so very young, and it makes Karkat's heart hurt thinking that his Eridan could have had such a kinder life in another universe. ]

perma-anontext

[sagitterrifying]

[A Threshcutioner, huh... it usually pays to know your friends, but it always pays to know your enemies.]

Full name, rank, and commanding officer?

[wwaterboy]

wwhat
youre lookin for me

[dedicatheist]

YEAH, HEY.
YOUR MATESPRIT ALREADY FILLED ME IN ON THE DETAILS SO I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW ME BUT WHATEVER, I KNOW YOU PRETTY DAMN WELL WHERE I'M FROM AND I LOOK OUT FOR FAMILY.
STATUS REPORT, DOUCHEBAG, YOU ARE LATE TO THIS GREETING PARTY INFORMATION POTLUCK AND GOD HELP ME BUT I'M GENUINELY CONCERNED FOR YOUR WELL-BEING.

[text]

[biiowiired]

Greetings, Threshecutioner. How may Battleship Condescension Helmsman System be of 2ervice today?

System has been experiencing a number of error2 since arriival, and has had to be booted down for maiintenance.
System may only allot 3.54% of resources two locate the user's acquaintances.
2y2tem apologiize2 for any inconvenience.

[text]

[dedicatheist]

OH. RIGHT, HI, GREETINGS.
THAT'S FINE.
I HAVE THE INFORMATION I NEED ON THEM BY NOW ANYWAY.
THE OFFER IS APPRECIATED.
WHAT KIND OF ERRORS?

[ Karkat thinks he's dealing with a computer. Darn Sollux, not being there when he's needed! ]