1 ♋ VIDEO

[dedicatheist]

[ Most people who know a Karkat Vantas will recognize this troll when he appears on the network, but he'll look pretty...different to most if not all of them. He's got a scar on one cheek, pierced ears, and his horns are a bit notched from what looks like blade slices. Also, he's wearing a completely pristine white coat. ]

All right, kids, listen up. First things first, I need a roll call here. I'm not holding out much hope but if any of you know any of these people then speak up - or especially if you are these people, don't think I won't kick your ass from here to the Gods-damned Ascension for being coy with me. I'm looking for Archagent Eridan Ampora, has these chewed-up fins on his face and a face like God took out all their favorite bits but left him pretty anyway, can't have an emotion that doesn't belong in a soap opera. Sollux Captor, probably behind a computer and failing to remember that food and sleep exist as we speak, if you've seen him and haven't been blinded by the world's tackiest gold cape that he just loves wearing at all times then you're lucky. Terezi Pyrope, blind and completely inappropriate at all times and with a wardrobe that induces more seizures than Sollux, probably pails herself to courtblock dramas every night. Gamzee Makara, the hugest doofiest clown cultist ever, unfairly good cook but don't ever eat his pies unless you like tripping out on sopor. If any of these names and descriptions are familiar to you, speak the fuck up, I haven't got time to search out every hidey-hole in this hopbeast warren of a city.

Secondly, I've already been imposed on by one giant lizard to go get him stuff, so why not, I'll be generous. My name's Karkat Vantas, I'm a Threshecutioner, my job is to keep the world oiled so hell, if you've got a problem then lay it on me. I don't trust any of these asswounds who had the great idea to kidnap people and make them fix their shit instead of fixing it themselves, but whatever, I have important things to do back home so I'm not going to sit on my glutes whining. If they want me to help I'll help with anything within reason, as long as it gets me home faster. Most of my work back home involved the undead, giant monsters and relationship drama, but I'll do whatever needs doing. Hit me up if you need anything, it's not like I can get a break back home so there's not much point to taking one here.

[ He might sound just a little bitter about that. After a moment, he sighs and shuts off the video. ]

Comments

[guiltapalooza]

Archagent Eridan Ampora? [Her eyes are wide, which on Willow makes her look slightly vulnerable.] Oh, you... you know mine, then. My Eridan. So you must be his Karkat, and-- I really need to start at the beginning, don't I?

Um, so, Eridan's here, and Feferi is too, but I don't think anyone else that you know is, exactly. Sometimes-- a lot of the time-- there's people from different dimensions here, like different incarnations of reality, that's what I was talking about earlier. I'm Willow Rosenberg, I've been here for a while and I... I know Eridan pretty well.

[unfathomabubbly]

[ Feferi is peering up over the edge of her mirror, holding it upside down. None of this sounds good to her, and she's on the verge of growling openly. ]

You conch have him! No land-glubber is looking for no Eridan Ampora, not here. No, no, no! Not here at all, so you'd betta just carry yourself off.

[ Hey, at least she's behaving mostly. Eridan made her promise not to threaten the landdweller's lives where anyone could see. ]

[dedicatheist]

[ Karkat stares at her keenly for a moment- then shrugs. ]

Well, I'm not in a position to fuss, so I'll trust Fins' judgement. I'll bite. How much do you know about what's going on?

[guiltapalooza]

[Oh he has a nickname for him... oh... he must know him pretty well.]

A lot, I guess. I'm the official liaison between us newbies and the local government. If you have any questions, I'm as good a person as you'll get to ask unless you want to talk to someone official.

[dedicatheist]

[ This being Feferi, Karkat just assumes she's having a little flip-out, maybe over him and Eridan getting together? His voice when he replies to her is softer, soothing, with that special besotted fondness he has for her as a friend. ]

Hey, hey. Easy on the glubs, Feferi, I'm not looking to take him from you. You know I wouldn't do that. Calm down, kid, it's okay. You're okay. How long have you been here?

[ Poor thing, living in a huge press of people after a life with no one but Eridan and Gamzee has to be hard on her. His blood pusher twinges in sympathy. He keeps his voice soft and encouraging, aiming to talk her down until she gets a bit clearer-headed. ]

[dedicatheist]

Not sure I'd trust the story, coming from the officials. How long have you been around, landing a position like that?

[guiltapalooza]

A few months. I didn't do anything special, I was just one of the first ones taken, so I was convenient. But they don't seem to be that bad so far, for a government that kidnaps people. Surprisingly democratic.

So, um... can I ask how you know Eridan at home? [She has to bite the inside of her lip to keep herself from babbling to soften the question.]

[dedicatheist]

Well, he's my matesprit's kismesis, and my moirail is his moirail's matesprit. Inclade. [ And my matesprit as well. Not that Karkat's talking about that - better safe than sorry. ] We do a lot of work together, go on ill-advised adventures. We're best friends, despite my better judgement, what a fucking ponce I picked for the position. [ His voice is terribly fond, and he even has a hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

Then it disappears as quick as it came, before he speaks again. ]

He. Hasn't talked about me?

[unfathomabubbly]

No!

[ She snarls, flailing and flipping the mirror in a rather sudden tantrum. It lands with a loud splash on cement steps, and her voice comes through as if filtered through shallow water. ]

It's not! You won't tell me what to do, I won't let you, not even a little. He don't got to work for no more highbloods now.

[ The surface of the mirror drags along the steps and its in her hands again, but facing away. ]

Can't take him in pieces. We're here forever.

[guiltapalooza]

[She frowns slightly, distracted from being nervous by the puzzle this presents, though she rushes to reassure him.] No, well, not that I remember, but we don't always talk about people from home. We can't be sure we're ever going to see them again. It gets hard.

--Oh, you know what, Sollux mentioned you, [she brightens.] The last place I was before this, he was there for a little while, and when he first woke up he thought you'd drugged his coffee again or something? [In a more teasing tone,] Sounds like true friendship.

[dedicatheist]

Oh, that, yeah. He never sleeps unless I do. Did, I guess, that sounds like back when we were moirails, not that I wasn't completely shit at it.

[ He sounds fond and despairing all at once. ]

Your turn, Red. How do you know Fins? Any embarrassing stories to share? [ And he grins, a little. Family's always gotta tease, right? ]

[dedicatheist]

Shhh. I'm not taking him anywhere and Fins can work wherever he wants, far as I'm concerned. I just want to know he's all right.

[ He's still not shaken by her temper. He's seen her go near-feral on him, shrieking like a wild thing of the deeps, this is small root vegetables to that. ]

permavideo;

[hypervigilance]

[Herp he doesn't know any of those people, so he's only half paying attention, when--]

... a giant lizard??

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[betathanscott]

That's a pretty wide range of responsibilities you've got there.

[aboutwhynot]

I believe you mean Municipal Inspector Eridan Ampora. But I suppose that doesn't really matter in the long run. Same alien.

Out of curiosity what kind of relationship drama did you specialize in, exactly?

[guiltapalooza]

I'm sure you were fine at it, [she soothes.] He seemed like he missed you, anyway.

[Being called Red makes her think of Spike, which is not a totally bad association now. Willow's opinion on him changed a lot over the last year at home. At the question, though, her face slowly starts to match her hair. She's doing a lot better at embarrassing herself than embarrassing Eridan by proxy.]

Oh, well... We met at the tower, this really awful place we were before this, back when it was just us from our worlds and we were on our own. [She's still on her own, but she tries not to complain about that. She feels like if she starts then she'll never stop.]

I told him I was a witch and he insisted magic wasn't real, so I proved it to him by giving him a new outfit, which I didn't realize at the time was like, his favorite thing in existence.

One thing led to another, and... we've been dating for a while now. I guess it was sort of inevitable.

[dontbekoi]

[ Prepare for life to get just a little more confusing, Karkat. ]

Crab...cake...?

[ WHAT IN THE GLUB... ]

[dedicatheist]

All kinds. A Threshecutioner smooths over conflicts and solves problems. Keeps the social wheels going smoothly. It can be petty disputes or romantic problems, whatever. Just curious, or do you have something that needs sorting?

permavideo;

[dedicatheist]

I'm going to go out on a thin yet moderately sturdy branch of foliage here and guess you haven't met the charming natives.

[touchthefool]

There was a being known as Gamzee Makara here until a short time ago. Am I correct in assuming, then, that you are one of his friends?

[unfathomabubbly]

Be breaking off your horns if'n you try.

[ Her glubbing and growling is a little softer now, but not less crazy. ]

Then I'll take all your insides and feed them to Cyaeghaglub, an' string 'em from all the rafters of my hive.

[ There might be a stray glimpse of something with a lot of tentacles and a brilliant emerald eye as she moves around in the basement, wrapping herself around her pet. ]

[dedicatheist]

No, really, I'm being honest here - I was shit at it. Terezi's much better for him. Never got the hang of calming him, and it was...complicated. Everyone involved is better off now we're flush, really.

[ He listens with the beginnings of a fond smile, nodding slightly, picturing Eridan's delight to find someone who could make him clothes on command-

And then Willow says that very last thing, and it feels like the bottom of his stomach has fallen out. His eyes visibly widen in shock. ]

You- what.

[ He's too surprised to keep his composure, keep things under wraps - Eridan didn't even mention him before starting to carry on with an alien? ]

[aboutwhynot]

Ah, perhaps, if you wouldn't mind taking on the project.

See, there's this woman who is utterly obsessed with me and literally wants to make me go insane, all while proclaiming her undying love for me. However, I absolutely loathe her. And now, unfortunately, we work together at the hospital. I worry things might become... Messy in the future. I would have just filed for a restraining order, or found some reason to get her another job, but I already know that wouldn't stop her.

Ever sorted out something like that before?

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[dedicatheist]

No shit. Next you'll be telling me the sky is- hell, I can't see what color the sky is in a cave, that biting remark just fell apart.

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[betathanscott]

Congratulations on your failed attempt at sass.